Compiled by the Features Staff

Virgo- You will finally the find the person you’ve been waiting for all this time, and he will be happy to help you transfer your contacts to a new device.

Libra- Your abnormal psychology class will be especially relevant this week.

Scorpio- Keep your chin up and your eyes on the prize if you want to do well on your Platitudes 101 exam.

Sagittarius- You will be struck by your roommate’s bravery as he rushes back into the fire for his empty liquor bottle collection, and struck again when he tosses the bottles down to you.

Capricorn- Prepare for a series of increasingly bizarre events after incorrectly citing The Necronomicon (738 AD).

Aquarius- You won’t be able to help feeling impressed when a squirrel runs off with not just one, but both pieces of your pizza.

Pisces- You will have your best lap time yet with the help a very persistent and athletic goose.

Aries- You will be surprised to discover that the inside of an ambulance is nothing like you had imagined.

Taurus- Bundle up this week! Temperatures will be low until you find an alternate route out of the freezer at True Grits.

Gemini- Know your limits: give blood this week, but not like last time.

Cancer- Now is the time to make new friends. Impress people with your social skills by finishing all of their sentences.

Leo- Hilarity will ensue after you stumble onto the new iPhone’s hidden “never, ever stop ringing” function.