Compiled by the Features Staff

Virgo- Your big date is just around the corner. This time try opening with something other than why you think the feminist movement was a mistake.

Libra- All eyes are going to be on you at the homecoming bonfire — at least until they put you out.

Scorpio- Get ready for the most special parking experience of your life.

Sagittarius- Tensions with your roommate won’t cool off anytime soon, even after she spills a frozen daiquiri all over your bed.

Capricorn- Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

Aquarius- Avoid flavored lip-balms; the bees are going to be especially menacing this week.

Pisces- You’ll finally get the chance to ask your professor for that letter of recommendation when the elevator gets stuck.

Aries- Don’t be afraid to slow down a little bit; a few short naps followed by a good night’s sleep and you’ll pound out that lab report in no time.

Taurus- This week will be a mixed bag. On the downside you are accidentally going to unleash an ancient evil after a run in with a certain Capricorn. On the upside you’ll finally settle on a topic for that pesky research paper.

Gemini- Take a risk this week: try three pumps of caramel in your macchiato instead of two.

Cancer- You’ll be delighted to discover that your newest self-help book works perfectly for stabilizing that chair.

Leo- An unexpected power outage will present you with the perfect opportunity to sneak all of your roommate’s things back into place.