Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo- You’re going to be splenetic when your horoscope sends you to the dictionary.

Libra- It’s fall and the leaves are changing. You’re changing, too. You can’t seem to stop changing. You don’t even know who you are anymore. What’s happening to you?

Scorpio- The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, and you will decide that’s all the justification you need to give up planning for your future.

Sagittarius- Flannel is in this fall, which will make it even worse when your roommate cuts up all of your flannel for use in his art project.

Capricorn- Make sure to wear long sleeves and to charge your cellphone before going to investigate the crash site.

Aquarius- Not even your ethics professor will be able to help you navigate all of the morally gray areas you’re going to encounter this weekend.

Pisces- On the bright side of things, with just a little cropping that mugshot will make a great profile picture.

Aries- Why would you chug an entire pot of coffee after eating the biggest burrito of your life? You’re going to find out this weekend.

Taurus- You’re finally going to satisfy that burning desire within you. Unfortunately, the fire marshal will catch you soon after.

Gemini- Your Halloween costume is going to be so original that you’ll have to spend the entire night explaining it to everyone.

Cancer- Whatever else happens this week, don’t cross the proton streams!

Leo- Passive aggression is exactly what is called for this week.