Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo- On the bright side, you’ll no longer need to worry about burning your mouth after you spill your coffee all over your lap.

Libra- You may feel anxious and fearful this week, but luckily that is completely normal for you.

Scorpio- You won’t be able to recall if it’s no-shave November or no-shampoo November, so you should probably continue to participate in both.

Sagittarius- The hole that appeared beneath your roommate’s bed will continue to grow, as will your ambivalence toward the whole situation.

Capricorn- The map that fell out of that old library book can only lead to one thing: treasure. Well, maybe ruin also, but definitely treasure.

Aquarius- Your knowledge of early-90s sitcoms will be especially valuable this week.

Pisces- This time of year, it’s important to remember that there’s more to life than test scores. For example, internships, papers, presentations and grad school applications.

Aries- You’ll finally get to experience true love this week when your friend meets “the one” and tells you all about it.

Taurus- An unusual alignment of the stars means that this will be an especially hairy week, and not figuratively either.

Gemini- Strangely, all of the vowels popping off of your keyboard will actually improve your note-taking abilities.

Cancer- Without getting into details, you’re going be the one who makes Velcro shoes fashionable again.

Leo- It’s getting colder out. This week would be a good time to pull out your winter sleeveless tees.