Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo-Stay vigilant and this week you’ll find the perfect opportunity for a food fight. Hint: chem lab.

Libra-You’ll be shunned when your efforts in the community garden result in locusts. So many locusts.

Scorpio-Tonight would be a perfect night to travel to the astral plane and retrieve the soul of your ex-lover, but it’s a little nippy out, so…

Sagittarius- Huzzah! Your roommate is going home this weekend. Now would be a perfect time to do something about all those ants.

Capricorn-Halloween is over, but you still may not feel ready to ditch this puny human form and descend to the infernal hellscape.

Aquarius-This week, warn people before you start chasing them for an impromptu game of tag.

Pisces-Traffic around the circle has been pretty hairy lately. Perhaps it’s time to once more don your reflective body suit and liberate the campus from the grips of gridlock?

Aries-Prepare of intrigue after receiving a mysterious heart emoticon text and disappointment after you realize your mom just got a new phone number.

Taurus-That nasty zit will finally start healing, as long as you leave it alone. Well, a little poke probably wouldn’t hurt…

Gemini-You’ll finally get to slam your fist down on a desk to decisively end an argument. It will be just as awesome as it sounds.

Cancer- It’s time for a change of scenery. Why don’t you treat yourself to a new desktop background?

Leo-Prepare to learn a little something about friendship this week, and also mono.