Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo– Your new mattress pad is a big improvement. Unfortunately, it will do nothing to help with the nightmares.


Libra– The future is looking especially bright for your horrible social anxiety.


Scorpio– You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the amount of pictures in your textbooks this year.


Sagittarius– You get the feeling that you and your new roommate will get along this semester, but you can’t help feeling a little uneasy about the winky face at the end of every text.


Capricorn– The winter break has allowed you to escape the taint of the occult that nearly destroyed you last semester. But for how long?


Aquarius– The start of a semester is the perfect opportunity for you to reinvent yourself. Consider a face tattoo.


Pisces– Project confidence to your new acquaintances by referring to yourself only in third-person.


Aries– You’ll feel disoriented and a little nauseous this week, but that’s normal after time travel. Welcome to the future, pilgrim.


Taurus– You’ll never have to deal with the frustration of parking again after your car is stolen.


Gemini– The hottie who sits next to you will be enough motivation to get yourself to class, but not enough for you to actually pass.


Cancer– Your new roommate is a moaner. Enjoy that.
Leo– The last owner of your anatomy textbook was a skilled artist, but their obsession with one organ in particular will be both distracting and a little unnerving.