Virgo– Chaos will befall your classroom when the “same seats” rule is violated again and again.

Libra– You didn’t expect it to make much of a difference, but that new poster makes the loneliness of your room much more bearable.

Scorpio– You know you really shouldn’t stand on that wobbly table, but you’re only going to be up there for a second, so…

Sagittarius– It will be windy this week: fill your backpack with large rocks so you don’t blow away.

Capricorn– You’ll lose more than a couple friends when you devise a ketchup based drinking game.

Aquarius– Sometimes life is a metaphorical roller-coaster, and sometimes you’re literally hurtling through the air at ninety miles per hour with no control. Find out which will apply to you this week.

Pisces– You’ll finally discover why you always hear barking noises from your new suitemates’ room. (It’s because your suitemates are actually hyper-intelligent Labradors.)

Aries– You’ll be jealous of all of the cool things your chemistry friends get to do in lab, but don’t forget that your major also allows you do cool things. You know, like point out grammar errors in the weekly horoscopes.

Taurus– Barring a coup, it seems likely that your dreams of a Totalitarian Student Government Association (TSGA) will go unrealized. The semester is still early though…

Gemini– Once again, you’ll struggle to justify how six hours of League of Legends is helping you prepare for biology.

Cancer– It’s only a few weeks into the semester, but your Intro to Philosophy class has already changed the way you view the world. It’s time to impress your friends by exposing the shallowness and naivety of their thinking.

Leo– You know there’s no shame in asking for help, but you don’t need them. You don’t need anyone!