Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo- This week is looking pretty dull. Sure, there will be that fire and that one guy with an axe, but otherwise things will be pretty same-old, same-old.

Libra- You’ll be surprised to find out that the quiz is open note, and even more surprised to find out you left your notebook at home.

Scorpio- It’s too late to worry about dropping classes, so just keep dropping those sick beats instead.

Sagittarius- This week would be a good time to get out of town. Change your name, change your face. They are coming for you.

Capricorn- You’ll feel uncomfortable when your foot falls asleep during class, but don’t worry because the rest of you will fall asleep soon after.

Aquarius- You’re finally going to break the habit of waiting till the last minute to start projects, when you wait till the last thirty minutes instead.

Pisces- This week, you’ll accidentally wear your pajamas to bed backwards and cause an early spring snowstorm. Thanks for that.

Aries- You’ll get a bad case of the “don’t-give-a-damns” this week, but honestly, who cares?

Taurus- You’ll feel a little upset when you realize that the “everything bagel” you ordered was really a “covered-in-ants” bagel.

Gemini- There’s nowhere to go from here except up, at least until you get untangled from that weather balloon.

Cancer- You work best under pressure, but you’ll find that the overturned car on top of you is just a little too much pressure.

Leo- It’s been one week without caffeine, and you’re having trouble staying focused hey isn’t that Betsy from art class?