Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo- This week, you’ll feel completely overwhelmed by the number of ants in your apartment. How are you going to remember that many names?

Libra- This week, you’ll goof and forget to write Scorpio’s horoscope.

Scorpio- …

Sagittarius- This week, an amazing piece of French toast will teach you that language is no barrier to love.

Capricorn- You’ll despair this week when Zyrtec doesn’t make you any less allergic to fun.

Aquarius- After much searching, you’ll finally be able to cross off “find to-do list” from your to-do list.

Pisces- You’ll find hanging from a ledge for an hour to be stressful, but also one of the most productive brainstorming sessions that you’ve ever had.

Aries- Going for a brisk run has always made you feel better. But this week, it won’t help, perhaps because that angry German shepard is still right behind you.

Taurus- Although you’ll still have fun, this week you’ll learn that penultimate frisbee just isn’t as good as the real thing.

Gemini- This week you’ll save money and boost your self-esteem when you cancel your gym membership and join a children’s kickball league instead.

Cancer- Your predictions will be confirmed this week when you are reminded that mowing the lawn is such a drag ugggggh.

Leo- This week, you’ll be astounded by how much you can learn about the sun by staring directly at it.