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A Plague of Humanity

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In a shocking turn of events, everything sucks and nothing is funny. According to Pam, 56, the newer generations have lead the world to upheaval and hell. “You say one damned thing about someone, their family, their lifestyle or their dog and everyone’s up your ass for ‘being’ a bitch.” It seems the years of discomfort stomaching jokes at one’s expense are over. “You just think about what the world has come to. You gotta be polite to everyone? No thank you.”

Elders and Boomers of the community have overtime recognized and labeled the Political Correctness Crisis, fearing for their livelihood and the health of their children as this epidemic spreads. I sat down with Bob Grimes, born in Baltimore, and his wife Sharon, to discuss the details. The elderly couple have been members of the RPCAS (Revolting Against Political Correctness Society) for over a decade.

“Sharon and I, we don’t want nothing fancy, we just want a return to order and the good American Way. These kids just can’t call things the way they are. They’re brainwashed!” Sharon proceeded to document a heinous incident. “In my day, you called anyone who you objectively saw as out of shape a fatso, regardless of your knowledge of their health.”

“Kids today? All about ‘body-positivity’ and all this validating people’s bodies as obviously and inherently beautiful and their humanity independent of such a mundane factor as appearance.” Sharon reiterates how absurd this truly disheartening pattern is. “God, I tell you I miss good ol’ blatant racism and homophobia. Now that its all over since gays marry and the last president was black, everyone’s all up in arms. Can’t even throw out slurs to emotionally scar anyone anymore.”

It doesn’t take much to spot what a plague more universal kindness has unleashed. Take, for example, humor. Gone are the days of deprecating, embarrassing or slur-ridden jokes at other’s expense. Look to any empathetic, if morbid, millennial conversation, and you’ll find humor ranging on self-deprecation, shared social experiences or memes, both living and dead.

This general increase in not only tolerance but support — support, can you imagine? — of minorities and fellow human beings is ruining humor. In fact, it is ruining everything. What will our society do without publicly humiliating others and following whatever intrusive comment was made with accusations of oversensitivity? What happened to being willfully ignorant and cruel? What dark corner America is headed towards, we perhaps must patiently wait and see. Oh the Humanity.