Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.
Nearly everyone who has walked past Erickson Field this semester has noticed two geese lounging in the grass, looking for bugs to eat and occasionally waddling close enough to the sidewalk to make students nervous. It seems as though they have claimed the field for themselves, forcing the rest of the geese at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County to flock near the library pond and prevent students from sitting nearby, in fear of attack.
As the geese relax close to Erickson Hall and the Office of Residential Life, it was inevitable that Reslife staff would eventually notice the freeloaders and be forced to make an executive decision on how to handle the situation. John Fox, the Director of UMBC Residential Life, notes the unfairness of letting the geese live on the field. “The geese will be charged a housing fee for the semester,” Fox confirmed, adding, “it’s just unfair for students to be paying thousands to live on campus when others are cheating the system like this.”
An anonymous student has claimed that he too will be moving onto Erickson Field to finish up the semester. “If I had known we could live on the field for free, I would have done this freshman year,” the student complained, noting the high price he has paid for housing throughout his college experience. When asked about his reservations for living with two members of a different species, he boasted that he has no fears. “I did random rooming for this year anyway,” he said. “I probably have more in common with these guys than the people Reslife matched me with.”
On campus, rumors have circulated that Reslife has begun to interview for Residential Assistants for Erickson Field for the next academic year. Fox confirmed these allegations in an interview, noting some of the applicants, all of whom are geese, have shown real potential. “We’re hopeful to add some diversity to the RA staff next year by these additions to the team,” Fox stated. Current RAs are nervous about losing their jobs to birds. “What’s next? The squirrels? This is completely ridiculous,” an anonymous RA commented.
It is clear that big changes are coming to UMBC’s residential life next semester. Questions still remain regarding pricing for housing on Erickson Field, how to house the geese looking to live in other residence halls and guidelines for other species wishing to live on campus.