Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.
The UMBC Linguistics department routinely deals with the study of language and its evolution throughout human history, but scholars have recently made a breakthrough in understanding the most secretive civilization of them all: the UMBC Administration.
Dr. Michael Simmons, a professor of Linguistics, who has recently published his findings in Language and Cultures of Obscure Civilizations Quarterly, described the source of his breakthrough: “We’ve been looking through some of the texts that the administration has put out, and we’ve discovered two key components of their culture: constant lying and veiled threats.”
Simmons pointed to a recent statement that the administration put out, adding, “If you look at this sentence about ‘moving forward,’ we’ve understood that this is a coded threat. You have to understand the aggression behind this.”
According to the linguistics department, the UMBC Administration’s culture is defined by a specific type of self-preservation that involves preemptively silencing the grievances of others. “Their culture is almost this sort of fever dream of chaos and bullshit,” linguistics senior and researcher Sherri Moran said, solemnly staring at a PR statement from the administration.
Moran attempts to understand these unusual mannerisms as cultural quirks, only seeming unusual to our sensibilities because of its differences. “But I gotta tell you, even I have my limits,” she explained. “I understand that every culture is built on different values and norms, but this isn’t going to be effective in the long run.”
When asked for comment, the administration produced a PR statement that was unfit for print due to its incomprehensible nature. However, both Simmons and Moran have managed to decipher the text. “They want you to shut up,” they said.