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SGA gets rid of elections

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

After receiving a landmark number of individuals running for the Student Government Association election for the 2019-2020 year, the current SGA executive board has decided to completely do away with elections. The decision comes just days after this year’s ballot was released, which counts just one candidate running for each executive position.

“It just seems unnecessary,” said Collin Sullivan, current SGA president. “We already know who’s going to win, so why does it even matter?”

This year will mark the first year in the school’s history where the SGA executive board is simply appointed rather than elected by a democratic vote of the student body. Last year’s election garnered responses from about 5 percent of the undergraduate student body, so, naturally, many have questioned the point of it all.

An SGA Senator was found complaining in the Student Organization Space late last Friday evening about the ‘performative nature’ of this year’s elections, stating, “It seems like we’re doing this for the sake of saying we model the actual government. But we’re a student government for a reason.”

She continued, “In the real world, who’s going to care if I won by popular vote or if I was appointed to office? Literally no one.”

Students across campus who have never before cared about or voted in SGA elections took to the Facebook page UMBC Memes for Smoke-Free Teens to express their disapproval.

“What’s next?” one student asked. “A Hrabowski-appointed team of underlings designed to undermine the freedoms of the students and work as extensions of the administration? Oh wait.”

Another student commented, “I can’t wait to see all the progress this year’s new executive board will make.”

All typical election events will still occur, as scheduled. That means that students will still be able to meet the candidates in several open forums before the appointment date and inauguration. Attendance at these events has been historically low, and because of the new appointment strategy, they will likely only get lower.

According to the Stew Research Center, apathy among college students has been on the rise, increasing from 8 percent to record highs of 49 percent over the past two years. Students at college campuses across the country have reported feeling disconnected and indifferent to decisions that have the potential to affect their lives, because truly, as Sullivan stated, what even matters anymore?

SGA officials and UMBC administration feel that student apathy is to blame for decreased interest in student government and have adjusted accordingly. The SGA executive board and university officials stated in a joint press brief released last Monday that “SGA will continue to function as a voice for the student body, regardless of election procedures.”

All 5 percent of them.