Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.
Recently one of the greatest tragedies in sports history occurred. An era was ended on March 14, 2019, when Robby “Blake” Bortles was released by the Jacksonville Jaguars. General manager Dave Caldwell and Vice President of Player Operations Tom Coughlin have obviously suffered some sort of severe brain damage that caused them to come to this decision. Bortles is a generational talent that is on the same level of a Tom Brady or a Joe Montana and releasing him will inevitably turn another team into a juggernaut.
Bortles is simply a football god with incomparable skills, he is a Caucasian Michael Vick without the criminal record and is the perfect player to lead a franchise to a Super Bowl. His arm is a cannon and he is as fast as Usain Bolt on the ground. So far Blake’s illustrious career has included one whole division title and a staggering AFC championship appearance; this god among men has not even reached his zenith and his accomplishments already vastly outshine his contemporaries such as Derek Carr, Johnny Manziel, Teddy Bridgewater and Marcus Mariota.
In 2015, Bortles threw a whopping 35 touchdowns whilst perennial loser and all-around idiot Peyton Manning only threw nine touchdowns in 2015. This is definitive, absolute, inarguable proof that he is better than Peyton Manning, and if Peyton Manning is supposedly a Hall of Famer then by my genius fool-proof logic that makes Bortles a first ballot Hall of Famer. The B.O.A.T, or Blackest of all time for the uncultured swine, almost went to a Superbowl in 2017 but was held back by his inferior teammates in a classic battle against the Patriots. That year was the best year for the Jaguars in over a decade and it is a modern-day tragedy that a player who has rivaled Tom Brady and has playoff wins against Ben Roethlisberger has been foolishly released by this idiotic organization.
Honestly, without Bortles, affectionately called “Big Dick Bortles” by his loyal fanbase and aptly named the “Bortle Bus”, I don’t see this franchise ever selling many tickets or ever winning another game. I would equate Bortles with a nuclear warhead in terms of game-changing ability and destructive power. Some critics of Bortles, or as I like to call them morons, might point to the seemingly high amount of interceptions Bortles has thrown throughout his career at 75 percent. These blind haters are obviously omitting the indisputable fact that every single one of those interceptions was the fault of wide receivers that simply aren’t up to Bortles’ caliber. This reaffirms his status as a football god/savant.
But now that Blake is a free agent, he has several career options to explore. If he wanted, he could pursue a career in basketball with his gargantuan imposing height of six foot five inches. If Bortles became a basketball player, he would surpass losers and peons like Stephen Curry and Anthony Davis with ease. This would probably cause Lebron to retire just as Bortles’ emergence in 2015 caused Peyton Manning to retire and not Manning’s age like some believe. In the end, the undisputed greatest quarterback of all time is a free man and will probably see offers in the trillions for his elite services so I can’t feel too sorry for him, I just pray his haters finally succumb to his greatness.