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UMBC shuts down residential halls for Fall 2019

This is a work of satire.

In their never-ending effort to stay ahead of the times, UMBC administration released an announcement this past week that sent ripples through the whole UMBC community. After brief deliberation, and given the high quantity of commuter students, the administration has decided to double down on these commuters and, for next year, close all of the residential halls.

This fact may come as a surprise to many. Because UMBC weekends are completely barren, besides the few tours looking to recruit more commuters, one would think that UMBC is already a commuter-only school. Shockingly, there are indeed students who live on campus; they’re just locking themselves away to pursue their antisocial activities.

Administration explained that this move will be beneficial to students on many different levels. “Housing is a scam,” they said. “You are certainly not getting your money’s worth out of our facilities.”

By closing down the resident halls, students can save money on the overcharged and undercooked food as well as the overly expensive living facilities. Therefore, what they lose in creating a community and learning independence, they gain in financial alleviation.

What was failed to mention, however, is that the money saved on housing will turn to smoke as it is all spent on the copious amounts of gasoline needed to take on I-695’s traffic each day. When the administration was asked whether or not I-695 commutes helped learn independence in the ways the dormitories used to, they pointed to another benefit that will occur in its place.

Not only will this solution save money, it will also foster a social community. UMBC administration hopes that this solution will encourage social interactions. Due to the limited number of tables in The Commons, the sudden influx of commuters will now encourage students to share a table with other students, encouraging social behavior and decreasing the current communicative norm: simple grunts of communication.

Of the many dormitories on campus, UMBC will be tearing down Susquehanna, endearingly called “Crustquehanna,” due to its age and crustiness. In its place, UMBC will be setting up one hundred new parking spaces to share amongst the projected 1,500 additional cars to be on campus.

When asked what the rest of the closed-down dormitories would be used for, the administration replied that they may use them to alleviate failing and antiquated public infrastructure. With luck, UMBC dormitories will be transformed into high-profile maximum security penitentiaries.