ALL HAIL BOBITA. BOBITA FOR PRESIDENT. ALL HAIL BOBITA. Photo by Kristina Soetje.
Ask any UMBC student who runs the campus and you will get the same answer — Bobita III, the god-king of the squirrels, better known as Bobita, is the most powerful figure in the loop.
Bobita is a figure both venerated and feared by animals and students alike. Slightly longer-lived than the average squirrel, Bobita is somewhere between 500,000 and 700,000 years old and is instantly recognizable. Best known for his glowing eyes and demeanor that is both aloof and intense, Bobita has accrued hordes of followers among the student body, many of whom wear shirts, hats and pins with his likeness.
“All hail Bobita III, god-king of the UMBC squirrels,” said senior psychic major Kevin Duncan, smiling widely, when asked why he became a follower. “All hail Bobita,” he added, almost as an afterthought. Fellow senior and bear-wrestling major Lauren Matthews agrees. “Bobita III, the god-king of the squirrels, personally saved my life last semester. All hail Bobita.”
“Why would we question Bobita?” asked freshman fingerpainting major Nicholas Miller, unprompted. He just came up to me at the Commons and handed me a pin with Bobita’s visage on it. “We get a great deal on the pins from Commonvision,” he assured me.
It is not just students who revere Bobita, of course. His most loyal followers are those found among the campus squirrels. Anna Smith, a junior studying squirrel linguistics, served as translator. “He says that Bobita is a just ruler and that we will all be happy when we finally accept his rule,” Smith explained. The squirrel we spoke to whispered something else to Smith, who nodded. “That part was not for your ears,” she said.
Not everyone on campus is such a fan of the god-king, however. A small but vocal resistance has formed among the student body. The leader of this rebellion requested not to be named, but agreed to a phone interview. “No one knows it, but the squirrels are planning an uprising. They’re going to try to take over the school, I’ve heard them making pla—” At this point, I heard a chattering sound, a brief scream and the line went dead.
No other members of the squirrel resistance made themselves available for comment, but some well-known members were recently seen wearing clothing emblazoned with Bobita’s image. Teeth bared in a rough approximation of a smile, one former member of the resistance, senior disinformation studies major Sam Henderson, said, “We were fools to doubt Bobita. You too should join his following. Succumb. It is painless.”
Bobita’s followers were overjoyed when the SGA passed legislation to allow squirrels to run for office on campus. “It seems like we have an eldritch abomination on campus, and, uh, honestly, we were a little afraid to say no,” confessed Jim Vietor, a sophomore spelunking student and member of the SGA Senate. Bobita is expected to officially announce his candidacy for SGA President early next month, but polls already show him winning by a landslide.