The highly fashionable Cruella de Vil is the last hope in defending UMBC from cat uprising. Photo by Kristina Soetje.
Cruella de Vil, Cruella de Vil, if dog fur will not clothe her, maybe kitten fur will?
The illustrious Cruella de Vil has been unfairly misrepresented for decades by uncaring fake news that perpetuates the propaganda that she is cruel to animals. All de Vil ever wanted was to look fabulous and own coats of the highest quality. It is not her fault that the best quality happens to be animal fur. As much as news outlets would have you believe, dedication to fashion is not a crime.
Therefore, as an apology to de Vil for years of painting her as a villainess, she should be entitled to her fashion choices through a measure that would also assist in UMBC’s stray cat and kitten problem. UMBC has seen an unprecedented and exponential rise in the vagrant cat population on the university campus. This is unacceptable and should be dealt with using the same severity as any invasive species, despite their classification as so-called “pets.”
UMBC should therefore round up each of the offending felines and donate them to the charitable cause: “Fur for Cruella: A Humanitarian Effort.” This selfless organization strives to provide de Vil and others in the fur-loving community with the aforementioned fur as well as protection from despicable public ridicule defining their actions as being “immoral” and acts of “animal cruelty.”
UMBC’s meteoric rise in cats has set the stage for an eventual and inevitable cat uprising. Soon, the strays will repopulate the university and take over with their constantly shedding hair, fur balls and excrement which will make the school no longer a conducive place for education and cleanliness.
The near 150 percent rise in cats has been commented on by local cat trapper, Catherine C. Catertin of the “Cat’s All Folks!” cat trapping company, who had this to say: “UMBC has one of the absolute worst cases of cat infestation I’ve ever seen. The school should be very afraid and ready for the cats to start fighting back and claiming the campus as their own territory. In my professional opinion, the fur-balls would have infinitely better use as coats for Cruella de Vil rather than continue their reign of terror on unsuspecting students.” *
Imagine a campus with no more wandering cats interrupting an afternoon study session or a much needed coffee break with friends. That is the sort of campus everyone wants to experience, but is just out of reach. However, this simple suggestion of offering up the pesky felines like sacrifices to the one true fashion queen, de Vil, is the perfect solution to UMBC’s problem which will also put the school on the map for pro-fashion leanings.
De Vil has suffered through endless tirades against her character. Therefore it is now time that we, as a society and a school, find it within our hearts to accept her unique sense of style and flair without judgment or preconceived notions of right and wrong. Give de Vil her fur, no one deserves it more.
*Disclaimer: Catertin gets paid a modest commission by de Vil’s charitable fund but that in no way affects her opinion or this interview. She is entirely unbiased.