Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff
Virgo- You’ll finally find a film that speaks to your unique cultural experience: Silence of the Lambs.
Libra- This week, you’ll be able to cross “get electrocuted” off of your bucket list–wait, why was that on your bucket list?
Scorpio- You’ll continue to miss class until you find the magic flute that will rouse your sleeping roommate.
Sagittarius- After asking about your final grade, you’ll be elated when you think you hear the professor say “A,” when what he actually said is “Eh…’
Capricorn- You’ll be dreadfully inconvenienced when the new chap at the country club doesn’t even know how to mix an old-fashioned. My God man!
Aquarius- Good news! Your textbooks will finally arrive this week.
Pisces- That cat in your mirror will be looking especially fine this week.
Aries- You still won’t be able to understand the bird’s chirping, but this week you’ll remain convinced that they are talking mad shit.
Taurus- This week, you’ll learn that the stickers on fruit are edible, surprisingly delicious AND low in calories.
Gemini- Ugh! This week everyone is going to be wearing the same shirt as you. Guess that’s life in prison, though!
Cancer- Your attempts to meet people by walking your dog will kind of work: your dog will make a ton of new friends.
Leo- Your relationship will reach a new level of intimacy this week when you and your partner decide to do a full blood swap.