The Retriever to cut student life section; former writers to be fed to sharks
Please do not attempt to contact the Student Life section of the Retriever. Please do not ask questions about the Student Life section. Please do not think about the Student Life Section. Photo by Winston Zhou.

The Retriever to cut student life section; former writers to be fed to sharks

Enjoy this student life article now. It will be one of the last that you read. The SGA Thoughtcrime Bureau chair and junior hypnosis major [REDACTED] has declared that articles describing UMBC student events are too dangerous for student eyes.

“First, students will want to know why SEB is holding a water torture night, then they’ll start asking about SGA involvement,” [REDACTED] said. “This type of scrutiny will only disrupt the harmony we enjoy at UMBC.” This news comes concurrently with the announcement that SGA will abolish presidential term limits.

Mysteriously, some students have complained about these changes. Senior untold horrors major Harold Paul Lovecraft says, “While thoughtcrime departments have become popular in SGAs throughout the US, the abolishment of the student life section is a loss for our school.”

Political science and philosophy major John Lockehart echoed Lovecraft’s sentiments: “While we still have many beloved institutions such as SEB, The Mosaic and the group of hooded figures who gather in front of Meyerhoff on Tuesdays —” Unfortunately, Lockhart could not finish his sentence because a dark SGA van drove by and kidnapped him for acknowledging the existence of the hooded figures.

Despite critiques, the overwhelming student response has been positive. An SGA survey found that 99.8 percent of students support these changes. A new SGA sponsored-banner hanging in the Commons advertises the survey results and proudly reads: “Students were allowed to vote how they wanted on the SGA survey. Also, you never saw this banner. This banner doesn’t exist.”

I am required to write that students have personally shown tremendous support for new SGA changes. Delirious Umbridge, a senior media control and communications major, pulled back her lips and toothily smiled while crying, “I love the SGA. Just so great.”

While the abolishment of presidential term limits and the student life section are attracting great attention, some in the UMBC community find other matters more pressing. Students complain that the recently opened rift in the space-time continuum by the Physics Building, the new death lottery meant to open spaces for campus parking and that price hikes at Salsarita’s affect daily life more than policy changes in the SGA elite.

[REDACTED] warns students that protests will be dealt with accordingly. “Those of you falsely slandering UMBC — you know who you are. We know who you are, too,” said [REDACTED]. “UMBC is still a developing school and should not be compared to developed schools. We are just creating an SGA with UMBC characteristics.”

Bobita III, god-king of the UMBC Squirrels, believes that none of these issues are pressing. “ThE sKeLeToN WaR iS UpOn Us!” Bobita gargled in a terrible, staticky voice low enough to shake the ground but high enough to exceed the range of human hearing. “We MuSt ReAdY tHe ArMaMeNtS. Also, I like acorns.”

It was difficult to find former student life writers because they have all gone into hiding. However, not even the threat of death deterred them from attending the ever-popular Trivia at Coursey’s, which is regularly held at 3905 Wilkens Avenue at 12:34 a.m.

When approached, former staff writer and freshman Esperanto major Maximilian Martin said, “Oh God! If you could find us then they can too,” before diving through a window. Sophomore English major Jonathan Alonso seemed similarly perturbed and began frantically boarding up the doors while muttering, “We’re ready for this. It’s going to be okay. We knew this could happen.” Junior computer stuff major Victoria Cho sat crying in a corner.

As the student life editor, I suspect I also may be in danger and should — THE REMAINDER OF THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN REDACTED. YOU NEVER READ THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE IT DOES NOT EXIST. SUBMIT TO THE SGA. SUBMIT NOW.