This is a work of satire.
Ever since last semester, students have been leaving UMBC by the masses. A sense of betrayal, hurt and disgust pervade every inch of the campus. Some students, too dumbstruck to even comment, have retreated to their dorm rooms and locked themselves up. The Registrar’s Office has been swamped filing all the paperwork of students dropping out.
“It isn’t fair,” said Robert Dogtree, a senior studying economics, as he stood in the long line to the Registrar’s Office, sweeping back around past the pond onto academic row. “I came here to learn, not indulge in banal celebrations of pointless displays of physical prowess.” When asked to clarify, Dogtree simply shook his head.
Allow me to fill in the blanks where these unfortunate souls are unable. While many would guess that last semester’s great basketball victory over the University of Virginia would be a matter of celebration, this assumption could not be further from the truth. As they say, the title of greatness comes with a heavy price. For many, this price was too much to pay.
After the high-profile upset, students have been in a state of mourning over the death of their image as a school of physically inept introverts. “UMBC is supposed to be a school for nerds,” said one particularly bereft student. “Nerds don’t beat the number one seed in basketball.”
To defy the new standard of excellence in sports, many students have taken up a protest of the RAC in the form of a boycott. Today, one would be hard-pressed to find anyone other than athletes entering the building.
This particular protest act, however, has been going on even before UMBC won against UVA. Especially dedicated students have been boycotting the RAC since they first set foot on campus. “We were just, uh, practicing,” said Dogtree. “A preemptive protest for times like now.”
The students are not the only ones upset — even the maintenance staff is in a state of protest. In a commitment to fighting the image of an institute excelling in athletics, the workers at the RAC committed acts of sabotage to destroy the gym, hoping that would keep the athletes from improving their skills. “It’s easier working at a school for losers,” they explained. “They don’t even use the gym, really. Why not fill it with water?”
While the flooding did ruin the floor of one of the basketball courts, the saboteurs forgot to ensure the destruction of the other two basketball courts in a costly oversight. Not only will the athletes still be able to practice, but the money used to repair the court was taken directly from the academic scholarship funds. The result? UMBC will be spending less money now on academic-focused individuals for years to come in order to ensure their athletic facilities remain up to snuff.
Yes — all over campus, sorrow and devastation pervade the atmosphere. However, the grief felt by most is still nothing compared to that of the freshman and transfers who expected UMBC to be an affluent sports school and instead only received incompetence and mediocrity.