Press "Enter" to skip to content

Students eagerly await homecoming football game

This is a work of satire.

Even though an entire month has passed, UMBC students are still thrilled at the prospect of their undefeated football team taking on the opposing football team in the culmination of UMBC’s homecoming 2018.

“I am so pumped!” said freshman computer science major Jacque Jockington. “I love football, I love this school, so yeah! Let’s go!” He proceeded to contort his body this way and that, flail his arms around and run off as the foam dripped from his mouth. He then shouted at people, asking if they were ready to win. The general consensus was that they were.

All along the abandoned soccer field students are lined up, waiting expectantly for the homecoming football game to begin. They donned their articles of school pride, which consist of a wide assortment of sports paraphernalia unrelated to football.

Some students remain as passionate as they were back when they stepped foot on the sidelines over a month ago. For others, the countless deluges and thunderstorms have taken a toll on morale. This toll has led to a devout faith and belief in the sunken cost fallacy. “We would be stupid to leave now,” one particularly bedraggled student said, despite the fact that he had not gotten a good night’s rest in an entire month. His grades, too, have taken a hard hit. “I don’t think I’m technically even a student anymore,” he explained. “But the longer we wait, the more likely it will be that they show up.” Many heads nodded in agreement.

Other students, however, have been more responsible. Survival might seem difficult, but loyal friends of these die-hard fans have been making laptop charging runs to ensure academic success. Thankfully, only eight laptops have been stolen so far.

Due to the abundance of rain, nobody has gone thirsty. In terms of food supply, however, the grass on the field is almost out. The grand consensus is to simply draw straws to determine which students to cannibalize. In a heartwarming display of humanity, everyone agreed they would predetermine the order of cannibalization so that they could eat the straw before the people.

We got a hold of Jockington again, asking him about the specifics of the match. “Who’re we playing?” he asked. “I dunno. Probably Loyola or College Park. They have decent teams, but nothing compared to our Retrievers! Let’s go!”

We wanted to ask a host of follow up questions, such as where were the opponent’s fans, where the field goals were, what they were doing to fix the incorrect field size or even how many members of the UMBC football team he would recognize on a day to day basis. Before we could ask, however, he ran off again, foaming, trying to start a wave all along the field. A grand total of six pallid and skinny arms twitched in response.

There sure is a lot of excitement for the UMBC football game, and certainly not a shortage of die-hard fans. Though neither team is anywhere in sight, there is little doubt that once it does start, it will be quite the game to remember.