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UMBC no-light policy met with excitement

This is a work of satire.

In a blazing new approach to the pursuit of protecting the environment, UMBC has decided to shut off all of its lights after 5 p.m. in order to remove all traces of light pollution. Not only will this save money and help the environment, but it also provides an abundance of opportunities to students as well.

A light-free campus will allow the student populace to wander about blindly, discovering new holes, ditches and other pieces of nature they can stumble over. It would be a shame for students to miss out on all the ankle-twisting and bone-shattering imperfections that UMBC’s ground has to offer.

This also offers opportunities for those with gripes about UMBC being a “boring” campus. With absolutely no lights at night, UMBC will provide a sensation similar to the part of the roller coaster where you’re almost at the top of the largest drop. What better way to recapture the feelings of irrevocable regret and terror?

Some people have questions about this plan. “Why not have no lights during the day?” one inquisitive student asked. They were not alone — in fact, a large percentage of the student population said they would rather see the stars during the daytime instead of the night. Nighttime, however, is a much better time to go wandering about campus. People are too busy avoiding the scorching hot winter sun by being indoors or rushing between classes to really appreciate the stars, anyway.

To be frank, some students are skeptical of this plan. “Stargazing?” one perplexed student asked. “Who has time to stargaze? I’ll be much too busy staring at the dark campus ground, trying not to break my neck. Because who has time for the hospital?”

Other students, too, have made comments about the potential for injury. “Erickson field is uneven enough as is. I’ve already hurt my ankle twice, now,” said one student whose ankles who have the structural integrity of tinsel.

“I don’t know if I will be able to walk again, and so a campus without lights will be perfect.” He proceeded to explain how convenient it would be to crawl around, out of sight from everyone. “I won’t feel pressure to use my pathetic ankles and can drag myself around instead, judgement free.” A campus without lights will provide absolutely no ability for one to see another in passing. When asked if he was afraid of being tripped over, the student laughed. “Let them trip,” he said. “Then they can hurt their ankles, too.”

Overall, the whole of UMBC’s campus is very pleased with the no-light policy. “The stars are so beautiful,” said one individual. “It’s not like the lamps are serving any real, practical or important use. This offers a lovely alternative.”