This is a work of satire.
Bursting onto the scene with as much gusto as his aging 77 year-old body could muster, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders declared that the time to “complete the revolution” is at hand. Though he was bested by Clinton and Democratic National Convention’s possible monkey business the last election, Bernie Sanders refuses to just, as his opponents wish, lay down and die.
His platform focuses on three of his most important issues. With his presidency, he hopes to bring free education, increase the minimum wage, and fight off his impending old age. Stating his primary motivation for running as, “a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer’s,” Senator Sanders hopes to keep his mind healthy and young through the mental gymnastics associated with being the president of the United States.
“At first,” Senator Sanders said, “I wanted to help this world.” With the insanity of the previous general election, however, he quickly realized he needed to change gears and, “stop having a conscience.” From there, the pieces fell into place, and he realized he needed to prioritize, above all else, “[his] own well-being.”
Nonetheless, Sanders is still putting up a nice illusion of passion, an emotion long understood to be incomprehensible by anyone above the age of 30. One of the most salient features of his presidential run, as pertinent to UMBC students, is Sanders’ policy on college tuition. “By ensuring free tuition for everyone,” Sanders explained, “I’ll have to keep my mind active to think of an insane enough way to generate that kind of money.”
Should this come into effect, it would have no bearing on any current students. This is a great relief to all because there will be no feelings of disappointment when these plans inevitably never happen because of a lack of funding, a veto in Congress, or — in the most likely situation — both.
After interviewing a wide array of students on campus, the general opinions boiled down to three main opinions. Some people were totally apathetic, holding the belief that their voice into how their country functions had no weight. Others were extremely hopeful, holding onto the delusion that somehow their college tuition would be waived. The majority opinion, however, was simply excited for the return of what is commonly known as Bernie Math. “Let’s see what kind of crazy numbers will be generated to justify that wily old man’s victory,” one student said. “Silly Bernie.”
Despite accumulating over six million dollars very shortly after his announcement to run, Senator Sanders still has his doubt about his chances. “In all likelihood,” he said, “my body will probably shut down while I’m in office. And not shut down in the government sense of the word.” He shrugged and gave a smile that only comes after many years of being a great grandfather. “Though I must say, a little youthful optimism never hurt anyone.”