This is a work of satire.
Not only does last Sunday mark the sixth Super Bowl victory for Tom Brady, it also marks his first Super Bowl victory without cheating. Whether it is deflating footballs, spying on other teams’ play calls or using good old fashion performance enhancing drugs, the Patriots sure cannot help themselves when it comes to morally corrosive behavior.
While some say that Brady is going soft and decided to take the path of honor, many will be relieved to hear that is indeed not the case. “We certainly tried to cheat,” Brady said in an exclusive post-game interview. “We just couldn’t get away with it. The officials refused to listen to our threats, the stadium security would not let us in early, and the Los Angeles Rams’ coaches would not share their play books,” Brady sighed, glancing away. “They even found the taps to let us hear the Rams’ play calls.”
As always, it is refreshing to see someone so impassioned by the game that they are willing to throw aside the competitive spirit in the name of accumulating victories and titles. While some critique this behavior as signs of psychopathy, it is of little issue given that Tom Brady is what is commonly referred to as “attractive.”
All over campus, students are celebrating the victory of the Patriots. “Everyone loves the Patriots,” one student said who still had not washed the paint off his face. “They’re humble, kind, caring — a real salt of the earth organization.”
Another student, though, put aside the moral character of the team to discuss the true miracle of the game. “Nobody ever expects the Patriots to win,” one student explained. “The Rams are legends — who could make such an egregious foul during a conference title and not get called by the referees?”
The student, of course, was referring to the game two weeks before the Super Bowl, where a Rams defender forcibly removed both arms of the New Orleans Saints’ receiver. “Imagine what kind of shenanigans would ensue during the Super Bowl if they could get away with that kind of bodily harm before the big day?”
How many shenanigans? As a matter of fact, not a lot — in what proved to be the lowest scoring Super Bowl game, both teams decided they did not care a whole lot and wanted to kick back a bit and relax for the evening. Who needs points when they could enjoy an evening filled with punts, three-and-outs and allegedly no cheating?
Nonetheless, sources say Brady was found laughing with Coach Belichick and teammate Julian Edelman, discussing how relieved they were that the referees did not fess up to the bribe they received.
In other news, the not-for-profit organization, the NFL, still has not taken a stance on racial inequality, their players’ brain damage or anything else of real importance.