Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.
Due to outrage over the haze above UMBC resulting from a mix of body odor and bad breath, Common App is instituting a new hygiene supplement to the application. Many students have turned to face masks to avoid the stench emanating from students.
“When I walk by most of the STEM buildings, sometimes my eyes burn,” said Ben Jones, a photography major. “I go to class out of breath most days because of having to walk up the hill by the ITE building.”
After UHS was flooded by complaints from students struggling to avoid the “stink” areas (directly in front of Meyerhoff and Math and Psychology buildings), President Hrabowski declared a campus-wide state of emergency, rationing out deodorant to the students who seemed to not understand personal hygiene. He declined to comment, opting to just shake his head.
UMBC’s administration, desperate and confused, reached out to Common App in order to create the requirement. Students must now scan and upload a receipt verifying that they purchased any form of hygiene products in the past two months. STEM students are also required to upload a letter of recommendation from two friends, stating that they aren’t foul-smelling.
“You would think that a bunch of 18 to 30-year-olds would be capable of slathering on some frigging deodorant underneath their goddamn armpits before they trudge across campus, but apparently not,” said one disgruntled administrator. “And don’t even get me started on the shower epidemic!”
UMBC is considering offering “Basic Hygiene” courses under the Health Administration and Policy degree. Some professors are even pushing for replacing the recently removed Physical Education requirement with Basic Hygiene Courses. The proposed courses include Showering 101, 102 and 201 as well as Proper Laundry Technique and Please For the Love of God Brush Your Teeth.
“You guys realize we have to breathe this air too right? Every day before class I have to pump myself up to come onto this campus and smell all of you idiots,” said Professor Smythe, who holds a Ph.D. in chemistry.
With all of these new initiatives in place, UMBC hopes to move forward tackling this true public health crisis, but the future remains to be seen.