Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.
Grugg the UMBC Facility Gremlin recently released a statement in which he announced his retirement in order to restructure his life. Grugg’s tenure at UMBC has resulted in what he believes is his best work but has had a deleterious effect on his mental health. He said, “Grugg proud of [my] work at UMBC. Grugg shut off power and water several times, but Grugg need to make changes. Grugg asked to do [a] lot this year, and Grugg want to spend more time with wife and kids [and] eat drumsticks.”
Grugg is one of UMBC’s earliest staff members, dating back to the founding of the campus. For decades, Grugg has been able to perform admirably thanks to his ability to sustain himself on raw squirrel meat and the 300-year lifespan of a gremlin. “Grugg shook [hands with] founders. Grugg saw library being built. Grugg [will be] sad to leave campus.”
Fortunately, Grugg was well-compensated for his efforts. He has recently been able to re-slime his lair thanks to his work during the fall. But, according to Grugg, a re-slimed lair is far from sufficient. The income that his wife Urkra makes as a Printer Gremlin has enabled the family to expand the lair several feet downwards. But, she has noticed Grugg’s mental health has deteriorated as a result. She said, “Grugg too tired for time with me or the spawn. He not happy, just watch SlimeFlix all day.”
The administration intends on replacing Grugg with a new hire, Fronkk. Critics point out that Fronkk is inexperienced. Engineering junior Stacy Roberts said, “If you look at a pipe leak, you can see that it requires a very specific touch to accomplish. Grugg was classically trained, but Fronkk has no idea how to break a pipe.”
Fronkk addressed these accusations on Twitter, “Fronkk can smash pipes. Watch YouTube video.” Fronkk’s video showcases his pipe-breaking skills, but critics claim that he has manipulated the footage. Visual arts sophomore Joey Anderson said, “Just reverse the footage. Oldest trick in the book. Note that he also hasn’t addressed if he can shut the power off.”
Still, there are those who have even stronger opinions. In an expletive-laden statement, Assistant Minister of Facilities Alice Young said, “Why the [redacted] do we need a [redacted] Facility Gremlin?! Who the [redacted] thought a Facility Gremlin was a good idea?! Why are we hiring one to intentionally break our [redacted] pipes?! This is ridiculous and a waste of money!”
Despite, Young’s objections, Fronkk will still be hired next fall. As for Grugg’s post-UMBC plans, he mentions, “I go to find sworn enemy, Kreesh. I break his pipes.”