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The All-New Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Luxury Parking Lot

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In an emergency attempt to solve the parking problem on campus, UMBC has announced that its new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building will serve as a luxury parking lot for students, staff and visitors to enjoy at $20 an hour.

By Fall 2019, the building is scheduled to be fully furnished and equipped with luxurious red velvet carpets covering all floors, fairy lights on all ceilings and windows, as well as a drive-in bar featuring Pitbull and UMBC’s Down and Dirty Dawg Band.

With fine wines and liquors starting at $150, the new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building Bar will also have a drive-thru, offering fresh calamari, enchiladas and horchatas with a purchase of at least three bottles of fine Egyptian wine.

This attempt at bringing in desperately needed funds as well as addressing the parking pandemic on UMBC’s campus is sure to be a crowd-pleaser, says Dr. McSmart, a professor in the Visual Arts Department. “The artsy students on campus are working around the clock to deliver on this fantastic project that will finally put UMBC on the map.”

Students are excited to experience this new and unprecedented combination of the arts with parking services. “I can’t wait to drive into the building on a red carpet! I’ll feel like a movie star,” says Heather Feather, a sophomore Mechanical Engineering major. “Even better, I’ll be able to grab a quick couple of shots before my day begins.”

With regular performances showcasing the arts at UMBC scheduled to occur throughout the day, drivers will feel that their money was well spent. UMBC’s Dance Department is set to perform ballet and modern dances Mondays and Sundays at 7:18 a.m., while every Tuesday and Wednesday the Theater Department will showcase an entirely new musical written by and for UMBC students.

“I can’t wait to get started,” says Red Gled, a junior Theater and Dance double major. “I feel like I don’t have enough to do during my day. Performing in-between rows and rows of cars in the new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building Luxury Parking Lot will give me the purpose I have been searching for.”

Students who live on-campus are not worried about the financial burden this new luxury parking garage will place on them since they are already forced to pay for their meal plans. Since the introduction of Gordon Ramsay and Jacques Pepin as head chefs at True Grits Dining Hall, students are more optimistic towards change than ever before.

In fact, a rally is scheduled for April 4 where Residential Life and Off-Campus Student Services will lead the march towards the Administration Building alongside passionate students and staff, ecstatic at the idea of spending more money at UMBC in order to experience a luxury parking lot.

“It’s so important to incorporate the arts into your everyday life,” says Podrick Rodrick, a freshman Psychology major. “I believe in the power of the arts so much, I will happily take out a loan to pay $20 an hour to park in the new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building Luxury Parking Lot every day until I graduate!”

In the end, this new investment on the part of UMBC students and the administration is sure to make headlines across Maryland and maybe even the country. Stay tuned on its progress by listening for the cries of students in debt and music featuring Pitbull echoing from what you thought would be just another academic building.