Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.
A cheer heard around the world rose up from millenials and iGenners when a recent announcement surrounding the bright future of Twitter was released. In a stroke of genius, the United States Government has decided to make the social media platform the new official way of deciding the future of the nation.
From the time of its founding in 2006 to the present, Twitter has been known as the embodiment of what America is about. The opportunity to exercise free speech and engage in civil discussions about the current state of affairs in the country make the platform peerless among the other forms of social media.
So when it was announced that Twitter would be the official platform for political engagement with government officials, it only made sense. All elected officials in the United States government are now required to have a twitter account so that they can be more accessible to their constituents.
Now, any grievances that citizens have with policy, rhetoric and conduct of the government can and should be taken straight to Twitter for the most swift response. With this change came the ingenious idea to make Twitter the new way to introduce, vote for and pass laws. A summary of proposed legislation will be given in the standard 280 characters or less and based on their first impression congress people and constituents alike will be able to give their opinions.
Beyond this, if they favor the proposed legislation, Congresspeople will retweet the summary and this will count as their official vote, which means that the business of deciding our nations laws can be done from the comfort of a senator’s toilet. If the proposed legislation is not favored then Congresspeople will simply post a poop emoji in the thread to express their dissent.
Users will be encouraged to exchange ideas and have meaningful conversations with restrictions on legislation comments. They will only be permissible, between the hours of 12 a.m. and 6 a.m. when people are best able to express their opinions on complex issues such as gun control, environmental protections, international relations and more.
Not everyone was thrilled with the news that Twitter would be gaining so much power and influence in the daily lives of the citizenry. Senior communications major Faye Sue Book said that she believed that social media platforms were meant to be a place to catch up with old friends, share new life developments like changed relationship status and find totally legitimate sources of news.
Book said that her friend Maya Space was even more adamant that social media be a place where people congregate for recreation and not to discuss heavy, complicated things that bring bad vibes, but no one could reach Maya Space for direct comment.
I for one, see no problem in giving Twitter more power. This is the age of mass communication and what better way is there to catch up with the times than this? Now we can all enjoy Christmas clapbacks, dank memes and viral videos, then go right into geopolitical discourse the way that it was always intended. This decision marks a new age for the nation: one in which people’s words will actually have a lasting impact. #Blessup!
