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UMBC professor smashes student’s car as part of new academic misconduct guidelines

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In an effort to deter students from conducting academic dishonesty, UMBC has implemented new policies for those caught in the act. The worse the crime, the harsher the punishment. One student so far has been unfortunate enough to truly experience the consequences of his own actions with the most severe of penalties.

It happened at the Commons Parking Garage on Thursday March 14. Apparently, as the student was approaching his car on the second floor, he was greeted by his math professor smashing out the windows of his shiny new Tesla.

“You’re too lazy to find x yourself?” The professor was reported shouting as he swung mercilessly at the vehicle. “Oh I’ll help you find X alright — it’s gonna be easier to spot now!” Of course, he was referring the cheater’s now-defiled Tesla Model X. It wasn’t long before a crowd of students rushed over to witness the drama for themselves.

The action was so hot that even a crowd of squirrels from Academic Row scurried over to see the beating go down. The critters were seen munching on trashed Chick-Fil-A atop the garage ledge while they witnessed the enraged professor use the steel bat to destroy the luxury car.

When word of this spread, The Retriever rushed to the scene and tried to get the cheater’s comment, but he profusely declined. “Can’t you see I’m having a bad day? I paid over $80k for that car, man!” Punching his arms wildly in anger, he stormed away as he muttered something about his dad being able to pay for another car.

Reporters tried to get another word about why he would then commit such an act knowing that this could have happened. Instead of a direct reply, he turned and pointed at the professor, yelling “You’ll hear from my lawyer about this!” Meanwhile, some students snickered to the side, “You think insurance will cover this?” A freshman at the scene of the wreckage found a positive light to this, explaining, “Well, that’s one less commuter I have to compete with for parking.”

In an exclusive interview with the professor in his office, where various baseball trophies were displayed in the background, he said that he didn’t regret smashing the expensive car of the fraudulent student, as he knew what he was getting himself into.

“At the beginning of the semester when this was announced, we had all students taking courses sign an electronic forum agreeing to the terms of the new policy, and the possible consequences they may face. Considering that kid stole my tests? Of course I was going to take action.” Picking up his shiny blue metallic bat, he grinned and said, “You ‘batter’ believe it.”

Of course, many were wondering what led to this situation. “Boy, let me tell you. It’s quite a story.” The professor said, placing his prized bat on the rack behind him and crossing his legs. “Towards the beginning of the semester, I noticed a test or two of mine missing overnight, including the answer key. Which seemed strange, because my door was locked, you know?”

“After this happened a second time, I decided to install a camera to see how this was happening.” Laughing before he continued, “Next thing you know as I’m watching the footage, this student jumps down from the ceiling, carefully picks a test or two with the answer keys and scrambles back up the ceiling!”

While the professor admits he was impressed, he needed to show the student who the boss was around here. “I didn’t want to call him in. No. He wanted to surprise me? Well, me and Batty over here,” he pointed behind him towards his blue bat, “were going to teach him a lesson.” Hence, the car smack-down on Thursday that ensued.

Head Academic Integrity Officer Rufus Haynes is happy with these new initiatives, as he says, “At UMBC, we take integrity very seriously. That is what grit is all about, right?” After he heard about the drama that went down at the Commons Parking Garage, he shrugged his shoulders. “That student knew what he was getting himself into. We take cheating seriously, and he simply didn’t take it seriously enough. Period.”

It seems that these new consequences are working, as many students say that they are now deterred from cheating. One student who wished to remain anonymous commented, “I’m not gonna lie, man. I always try and sneak helpful hints in on my Chem 101 tests.”

The chemistry major cited that since tests were weighted at 95% of his overall grade, he gave in to pressure to commit academic dishonesty. However, after the Tesla breakdown, he stated, “However, since I drive an Audi, I’m going to have to actually pick up a book and start studying. No way is Dr. Carpenter going to pull out a bat out on my vehicle.”

As for the student? The Retriever contacted the Office of Academic Integrity, but they said they cannot reveal student information. Nevertheless, multiple student sources confirm that he is going to be expelled. “He was in my class as a pre-med student,” one student explained, facepalming their head. “Imagine explaining that on your medical school application.”