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ILSB building begins deconstruction next week

This is a work of satire.

The highly anticipated Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building, first scheduled to be opened in the Spring of 1988, had to be pushed back over and over again. There were a variety of reasons for the delay, ranging from unforeseen construction issues, to employee strikes all the way to orange and yellow construction pixies who have been causing bricks to disappear and dried cement to liquefy.

To add salt to the wound, many students have decided the best coping mechanism for all of the construction and waiting comes in the form of sarcastic comments. “At this point, they might as well just tear it down,” said one student, who felt particularly bamboozled by the copious amounts of time the construction has taken.

Despite the upset, there is an amount of what one could tentatively call excitement. “I guess it will be cool to see the inside of a building,” one freshman said. When asked if they’re excited for the construction to end, they shrugged. “It’s all I’ve ever known.”

The seniors, however, have a different perspective. Before the construction began, students used to play frisbee and soccer on the patch of grass that is no longer visible. Thus, one of the seniors, when asked about the new building, said, “I hope there will be room inside to play frisbee,” said one student. “Not that it really matters,” they concluded. “I’ll be out of here by the time it’s finished. If it’s ever finished.”

The administration, however, have decided no more. “Those punks will learn their lesson,” said President Hrabowski, who has had enough of the snide and sarcastic remarks everyone has been spewing about the lengthy process. “These ingrates think they’re so clever with their quips and jokes.”

Hrabowski was not the only one who was fed up with all of the sarcasm. The vote to tear down the building was unanimous amongst the administration, and will begin in approximately one week from today. “We’re tired of all the complaining,” one administrator said. “And the only way they can really and truly understand that is by punishment. Harsh punishment.”

Another administrator was reported to be seen stomping on the plastic model of the Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building, laughing maniacally as he said, “so much for your precious green building now.”

Upon release of this news, the student populace broke into celebration for the return of the quad which, as one student so eloquently put, “was a better use of the space, anyway.”