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Investigation into the student who spoiled Avengers: Endgame

This is a work of satire.

It started out as a normal day of class, down in the Engineering lecture hall, with Professor Eric Anderson lecturing on the intricate processes of magnetic flux. Students, enraptured by the fascinating truths of our universe, were paying close attention to the lecture — a usual phenomenon to be found on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays in the Engineering building.

It was so silent, in fact, save for the soothing and fatherly voice of Anderson, that it provided the perfect opportunity for the following pandemonium to ensue. For it was on last Friday, April 26, that one student found the gall to interrupt such a pleasant experience of learning and commit the most heinous of crimes. The felony in question, of course, was the spoiling of Avengers: Endgame.

Given the number of death threats he received since the event, we have decided to keep his name out of this article. The only thing the police have said about the event, however, is that the student, “was just joking around, and didn’t think anyone would hear other than the guy next to him.”

After he spoke the spoiler, the response was immediate. All over the lecture hall, soft groans rose in a crescendo, until everyone was wailing out from the grief of the information revealed.

“It was big,” said one student, for whom the movie was spoiled. “I almost didn’t even bother watching it, when I heard the spoiler that scumbag dropped.” The spoiler referred to one of those times in the theater, he explained, where everyone was cheering. “I wasn’t cheering,” he said. “I already knew it would happen.”

“I don’t even watch any of the movies. I’m more of a D.C. guy, really,” said another student who was in the lecture when it happened. “But — man. That spoiler. Oof. I am glad I don’t watch those movies, because the thing he said sounded like an awesome thing that I would’ve hated to be spoiled.”

After the incident, the lecture was stopped and class ended. When prompted, Anderson said, “To think there are people in this world who would do that kind of thing is sick. It made me realize,” he said, as tears glistened in his eyes, “that I needed to see my family. I picked up my kids from school and we all went to the movie theater, immediately. Now, nobody can do to them what was done to me.”

Anderson finished the interview by saying he failed the student for the semester. Though the number of interviews on the incident is astonishing — many people, still, wish to process the grief of what happened and share with the world — we will finish with a word from our president. “This is a distinguished and dignified honors university,” Dr. Freeman Hrabowski said about the incident. “And if you think we tolerate such behavior, you are very wrong.” The student has, since the upset, been expelled from UMBC.