By Everett Burris
Assistant Sports Editor
This week in fantasy the best two teams continued to separate themselves, the worst got a little worst-er, and a longhorn hooked some cowboys in impressive fashion, benefiting absolutely no one in fantasy.
Subs Squad (98.18) vs. Mcpoyle’s Revenge (75.2)
Seems like Mcpoyle’s Revenge picked up the wrong Redskins backup quarterback off the waiver wire. The owner, being either unbelievably optimistic or undeniably idiotic, left in Kirk Cousins in the starting position even when it was announced that Colt McCoy would be the starter. It would be safe to bet the Redskins would have given Becky “Icebox” O’Shea the call before they put Kirk Cousins back in. It’s unfortunate that Emmanuel Sanders’s 30.60 points and Alfred Morris’s 14.50 points came in a losing effort, but with a lack of a quarterback threat and two other starters going for donuts-and-coffee* the Mcpoyle’s Revenge squad didn’t stand much of a chance, even against the 2-6 Subs Squad. Subs Squad didn’t completely just fall into a win. Larry Fitzgerald put up 22.00 points, the fourth highest score by a WR in the league this week. Mcpoyle’s Revenge will be cruising the free agent highways this week, as he desperately needs a quarterback. Any quarterback. YA HEAR THAT ICEBOX? your needed out the pom pom’s and into the pads just one more time.
Breaking Newbs (138.14) vs. UMBC’s BCS Hopes (105.62)
If UMBC’s BCS Hopes believes in moral victories then they feel free to chalk this one up in their favor. Every player on the roster scored near above or above their projected scoring total contributing to an overall team score that surpassed the original projected score by about 10 points. As good as all that is none of it was good enough when playing the Breaking Newbs. Peyton did Peyton with 23.44 points. Kicker Gawd ™ Stephen Gostowski is making a case for first MVP at his position as he put another impressive point total with 15 points. Kansas City Chiefs defense also looked great scored 19 points. After taking a loss last week the Breaking Newbs are back to their winning ways, advancing to the first place spot faster than LeBron James’s hairline is advancing to the back of his neck.
Tech Section Flexion (158.26) vs. Ibrahim Moizoos(66.94)
HOLY SHITZU TERDS. This is not right. This cannot be right. 158.26 points? And said 158.26 points came with having one person go for *donuts-and-coffee? And that said person was animorph Calvin Johnson? Its just can not be true. Yes, Tom Brady did score 30+ points as well as his tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Yes, Arian Foster went dumb all over the Tennessee Titans for 30+ points of his own. And yes, Antonio Brown went for 25.80 in the Steelers route of the Colts. But still, there are some things that no matter how concrete the evidence, no matter if it is sitting there right in front of your face, there is no way it can be true. Like, the moon landing, a death of a pet fish from feeding it those little alphabet letters, your sister dating your best friend, or this score. Rest easy Ibrahim Moizoos, this is all just some twisted non-reality.
The Tech Department( 112.40) vs. Nathan’s Crazy Team (86.60)
The Tech Department, much like its 7-1 contemporary Breaking Newbs, is showing the rest of the league that the key to success is having a great quarterback a great running back and an even better kicker. Andrew Luck scored 23.31 points, Chicago running back Matt Forte scored 24.80 points, and Baltimore Kicker Justin Tucker piled up 15.00 points. Even with Matt Stafford as their quarterback and Jamaal Charles in the backfield and former Kicker Gawd ™ Adam Vinatieri on their squad Nathans Crazy Team couldn’t find the juice to get the win.
* Donuts-and-Coffee – When a player scores zero points, or the player has forgot to play his game and literally gone out for donuts and coffee, both having the same result in the fantasy point production.