Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.
UMBC’s coed curling team pulled off a historic upset against conference rival Maine, to advance to the satisfactory sixteen of the illustrious NCAA coed curling tournament. In a thrilling finish, the Retrievers defeated the juggernaut Maine Black Bears after a last-second deuce in the last end from aspiring freshman Mary Land.
The deuce came off a picture-perfect delivery from fellow freshman Ray Lewis (not that one) giving UMBC the 7-6 win. All other five points were from six foot seven, 250-pound freshman, Anna Bolic, who recently came back from a suspension for an unknown substance. Maine’s lethal duo of Canadian Transfer students Aubrey Graham and Jimmy Brooks each scored a point while the rest of the points were scored by Junior Junior the IV.
This loss casts doubt on the superstar potential of third-year player Junior, who has set several records for the Maine curling team, this just fuels the narrative that he is all hype and not a substantial leader as another coed championship escapes his grasp. UMBC’s win marks their best postseason record in a decade competing in the coed tournament and signifies Maine’s biggest collapse and worst finish in 25 years.
UMBC Head Coach Dick Cox was bursting with excitement and joy after the win and you could see the looks of ecstasy on the face of the players as they soaked him with a bucket of Gatorade. The opposing coach for Maine, Richard Schitt was distraught seeming almost limp on the bench and was even seen tearing up after the loss.
This draw was an instant classic that unfortunately wasn’t seen by too many, I myself only caught glimpses of the game and in Spanish at that. The bits and pieces I saw live on ESPN 15 aka “El Quince” were highly entertaining and seemed like a gripping duel for the ages.
After this spectacular victory, the Retrievers set their sights on last year’s tournament winner: the University of Alaska Anchorage. The Seawolves are no slouch and show no signs of championship fatigue or rust, which means UMBC will have to be on their A-game if they want to stand a chance against the defending champs. The Seawolves have all-conference skipper Samuel Sung as well as freshman of the year Holden Butts leading the charge.
This Seawolves team was a tour de force in the regular season going undefeated and beating their opponents by an average of five points. The Retrievers face even more of an uphill battle with the recent news that the team will be without three key players for the upcoming game. Senior Jay’Mario Smith was recently suspended from team activities because of an altercation with several freshmen on the team reportedly stemming from one of them drinking from his Gatorade bottle by mistake.
The other two suspensions are academic-related after two sophomores prematurely failed necessary classes thinking they had no work before spring break and skipped their exams. The task may seem impossible but UMBC athletics have a well-documented history of overcoming seemingly inconceivable odds and like the basketball team I think the UMBC’s coed curling team can do the impossible again and continue this miracle season.