No Big Time Rush? We’ve got a big time problem.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Every year in the spring, some of the biggest artists in the world gather at the University of Maryland, Bible College (UMBC for short) for what is perhaps one of the biggest musical spectacles in the world. These artists come together for what is perhaps the most magical 26 minutes in music. This event is, of course, the legendary Quadmania.

Of course, the event has come to be misnamed over the years, as UMBC no longer has a fucking quad. In place of where the legendary festival used to be, the school has placed a new building. So, instead of a week full of games and music, the area on campus which used to be the quad is home to the new Freeman Hrabowski Interdisciplinary up-and-coming state of the art initiative leadership gritty mcgritface life sciences coffee shop building.

But have no fear, the legendary festival lives on. The cathedral which is Erickson Field has been hosting the event over the last few years. What was once home to all-time great Frisbee, and football games, and the mythical Finalsmas tree now gets to host what is perhaps the most notable event ever to grace the sacred grass of Leif Erickson’s birthplace.

On Monday, the much-anticipated announcement of this year’s Quadmania artist was made. Thousands of students lined up on Commons Main Street to hear the news. After people had camped for days to hear the news, the crowd was thrown into a frenzy as SEB informed them of who this year’s headlining artist would be.

The artist that they announced was Cheat Codes, an electronic DJ group from Los Angeles. “Who the fuck is Cheat Codes?” exclaimed James Smith, a senior who majors in some useless science bullshit. This sentiment was echoed throughout the crowd, as nobody had ever heard of the group before.

The group consists of three DJs: some dude who looks like Chase from Zoey 101, a guy who looks like he dropped toupee and it got sucked up by a vacuum and a guy with a weird man bun. They sample music from good artists and refine it with their mediocre lyrics. Overall, this group does not compare well to the music icons that have come to UMBC in the past, such as his majesty Sir Savage the 21st.

Students on campus and fans worldwide are furious with the choice by SEB. SGA president Collin Sullivan shares this disdain. In an interview after the announcement, Sullivan said, “I can’t believe we pay SEB all of this money, and this is what they came up with. They had all year to find us a world-class artist like Big Time Rush, Nickelback or Florida Georgia Line, but no, we get Cheat Codes.”

In response to SEB’s decision, the SGA Senate held an emergency meeting on Monday afternoon. During the meeting, they decided to pull their current budget plan off of the table and cut SEB’s funds in half. Regarding the decision Executive Vice President, and lifelong Big Time Rush fan Vrinda Deshpande said, “Obviously SEB is misusing the money we gave them, and this is the only appropriate way to rectify the situation.”

But, not everyone on campus is angry about the selection. UMBC President Freeman Hrabowski III was seen late on Monday evening wearing a Cheat Codes t-shirt. “Well, this band is really up and coming,” he said. “I’ve been listening to them for the last few years, and I honestly could not name a better band for this event. The kids are most definitely going to be raising the roof and all that nonsense.” Hrabowski then giddily skipped away like a school girl. There are suspicions around campus that he may have influenced the selection process, but there is no evidence to support that at this time.

Quadmania takes place in the RAC on April 28 at 7 p.m. You can buy your tickets on tickets.umbc.edu for $entirely too much. Do not wait, these tickets are sure to sell out fast!